Payback
by NothingMoreNothingLess
Summary: Two victims. Two lives. Their thoughts before and after.
1. Plain And Simple

**AN: I wrote this awhile ago, thought I'd post it and see if I get any feedback...**

**POV ONE - Street smart POV TWO - Good girl**

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**POV ONE**

I know what they say. "It's not your fault." And; "It's about control, nothing else." But it's doesn't matter. Once it's happened to you, nothing anybody says can make a difference.

And maybe it's different for others, I really don't know. But when you've lived a life like mine... well, the thoughts are always in the back of your mind. And it's not going to change the fact: It is my fault.

Maybe I don't ask him to it. And I said no. But sometime words, or the lack of words, doesn't mean anything. It's just payback, plain and simple. Payback for the things I've done, and the things I said. Even if I didn't mean them.

Cause, god knows, I've screwed up on more than one occasion. Drugs, alcohol, men. I'll be the first to admit, I've made some bad decisions. Hung with the wrong people, made crappy moves.

And this is just payback. For all the wrongs I've done. For for all the people I've hurt. Just call it my penance.

Payback... plain and simple.

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**POV TWO**

I don't understand. Why is this happening to me? What have I done to deserve this? I'm a good girl... why me?

Maybe it's because of that. I've been the perfect child. I don't talk back, I don't drink or do drugs. I go to church every Sunday. And no, I'm not stupid. I know there's a lot of bad things that go on in the world. People who have to deal with this everyday.

So maybe it's my penance. For having a good life. Payback for someone else having to sleep in the street while I'm in my warm bed. For have two parents who love me... maybe is just payback, plain and simple.

It's not my fault though. Nothing I did or didn't do could of changed this... right? It's not my fault that he wouldn't listen, that he didn't understand why I was waiting. It's his...

Payback? Not so plain and simple...


	2. The Act Or Process

**AN: Part two, and most likely the last part for this one.**

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**POV ONE - 'good girl'**

My family tells me that the painful part is over. That it's in the past now, I've got to start looking forward. But that's where they're wrong. They can't seem to get it through their heads that they're part of the reason I can't move forward. They're treating me like a piece of glass. Like I'm gonna break if they breathe too hard on me. And I think in a way that might hurt more than the rape itself.

I want to stop being a victim, but I can't until they stop treating me like one. They won't leave me alone in a room for more than a minute. It's like they think that I'm going to have a psychotic break if I don't have someone watching me. How in the world do they expect me to get back to normal if they don't start treating me like normal?

If I thought that the rape was payback... then I don't know what you'd call this...

Payback just keeps getting more and more complicated.

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**POV TWO - 'street smart'**

Sometimes I wish I lived a different life. I've even made up a whole life in my head, not that I'd admit it to anyone. But I wish I have parents who gave a damn about me, or a sibling to rant with. But I don't, all I have is this pathetic life that I lead. Not even a life, more like an existence.

I wish I had someone to cry with, because of what happened. But I can't afford to be a victim on the streets. That would be worse than blood in shark infested water. I'm really starting to feel suffocated here, though.

It's just wrong though. I've seen the typical all American families. With their rebel teenagers walking around with their headphones blaring. Trying, and failing, to be badasses.

They think they have it so goddamn rough. That their parents are unfair cause they won't let them have the stupid videogame that they "need", even though they already have fifty of them. I wish like hell I had parents who'd buy me one frickin' videogame.

I thought that the rape was my penance... that it was as bad as it could get.

I was dead wrong.


	3. Numbing Of Time

**POV One: 'Good Girl'**

Isn't it supposed to get easier as time goes on? You know the whole 'time will heal all wounds' thing. Or something like that… I'm not good with remembering words. Aren't you supposed to get better, breathe easier when you go out? If that's the case, then I'm an exception to the rules.

It's gotten harder… I hate leaving the house. I threw away most of my clothes because I can't stand showing even a little skin. I cut my hair because I couldn't stomach the thought of leaving the house long enough to get my color redone.

My friends have stopped coming around to see me, I bore them now. And I haven't had a date since that unfortunate night. Not that it matters… I wouldn't be able to go on a date anyway. I freak out if a guy even looks at me, much less touches me.

I dread the days when I have to go to work. I've already been fired from two jobs because of my 'episodes'. It's only a matter of time before I lose this job too. I'm twenty and I'm still living with my parents, because I can't bear the thought of living alone.

It doesn't get easier… time just makes it worse.

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**POV Two: 'Street Smart'**

Damn this… I used to be able to walk the streets with my head held high. I used to be respected… I was the bitch of the streets. Now I'm the freak of the streets. I've lost my edge, I've lost my reputation, I've lost my posse. All I have left is this pain that still lingers in my soul.

I'm alone… funny I never minded it before. But now I'm alone… no one to go to. Before I at least had my street 'friends' to hang with, they helped me keep my mind off everything. But now I'm stuck at home, at least the dingy structure I call home. I work and I come home… that's my life now.

People deal with things different ways. Rape is no different. Most women probably would try to stay as far away from the male species as possible. I'm not like that… I'm the complete opposite. It's not fun for me, but… it's what I do. I don't know why, call it my defense mechanism.

This isn't something I just got over. I've numbed myself to the majority of the pain, both physical and emotional. I really don't feel much anymore, it's just… numb. I don't react anymore. If there was a black hole in front of me, I wouldn't give a damn.

It still hurts… and I'm still paying.


End file.
